how to avoid getting offed on your first date

Remember how I said I might try internet dating again? CREEPERTOWN, population Philip Markoff. Maybe not.

Now, before I say what I'm about to say, I need to make one thing clear. I would never blame a crime on its victim. We've been over this. HOWEVER. It would be inadvisable to go to a hotel room, that has doors and locks, Do Not Disturb signs and walls thick enough to muffle loud noises, smack in the middle of a building full of people who hear crazy shit all the time and probably just think you're into that kind of stuff, to have anonymous sex with a guy you don't know from a ham sandwich.

Back during the Internet Dating Fiasco of 2004, I had some pretty strict guidelines for circumstances under which I would meet or go out with guys I met on the web -- and this was Match.com, not the veritable melting pot of snake dancers, cannibals and other assorted grab-bag type crazies that is Craigslist.

Rule No. 1: Only agree to meet a guy in person after getting acquainted extensively online. I'm talking pictures (at least one good one of the face and one of the body), vital information (marital background, education, political views, musical tastes) and plenty of solid instant messenger conversations so I can determine that they have a decently quick wit, are able to type without spelling "your" as "UR" and are not prone to opening conversations with "hey girl."

Rule No. 2: When you do decide to meet, make sure it's in a well-lit, very public location where there are plenty of people around to hear you blow your rape whistle, and preferably a lot of moms, small children and 30-something women who look like they might carry mace or have passed a self-defense course. This place is also known as Starbucks.

Rule No. 3: Have a well-tweaked crazy-dar. You need that thing to start going off when the situation heads south, and you need early detection. Essentially you will need to be suspicious of everything he says or does for the entirety of the first date/meeting.

After my extremely well-lit meeting with my first Match.com suitor, we went on a second date to one of my favorite Memphis eateries, Bosco's. My crazy-dar should have gone off when he very openly shared with me that the sunglasses he was wearing were, in fact, stolen, but I think I was distracted by the dreaminess of his dreamy McDream-A-Little-Dreamy.

My second Match.com suitor and I decided to meet at one of my all-time favorite Midtown Memphis coffee shops, the Java Cabana. He told me he'd been there a million times, yet was shocked to learn that they do not accept credit or debit cards. As they never have. EVER. After I paid for our coffee, he proceeded to stare at my chest and talk awkwardly about his dysfunctional family in a very please-dear-GOD-not-on-a-first-date way. He did not draw attention to the staring by bringing it up in conversation, which is good because he was drawing enough attention to it by simply continuing to stare. So much. With the STARING.

I never went out on a second date with Scotty McStares-At-Your-Chest-Alots, and I later found out that old suitor number one had a bit of an unseemly habit, thus leading me to refer to him as Donny Drug User. These were some real winners.

Thankfully, though, I did live to blog about it all, and I have dabbled lightly in internet dating since then. I joined Match.com UK when I moved to London, and since I'm too lazy to unsubscribe to anything, I still receive e-mails every once in a while letting me know that Vijay from Kent or Raj from Surrey have "winked" at me. Vijay. Raj. If you're out there. I'm so sorry to break it to you this way -- it's not you. It's me.

Okay, it IS you.

cheers,
elizabeth