oxymoron of the day: airline customer service

This past Christmas, I arrived at Newark International Airport on December 23 to fly home to Memphis to be with my family for the holiday. My flight was scheduled to leave around 10 a.m., and everything looked good for an on-time departure -- the skies were clear, I had my ticket in one hand, coffee in the other and I was ready to plug in the iPod and take a glorious two-hour plane nap.

Little did I know that the lovely folks at Continental had another plan in store for me. A few minutes before boarding was supposed to begin, a voice came over the loud speaker and uttered those dreaded words: "Ladies and gentlemen, we are in an oversold situation." I love the way they say oversold situation, like they're just not quite sure how they got into this situation in the first place! It seems there are more asses here than seats to put them in, folks, and we'll be darned we just don't know how that happened!

Sure enough, when I walked up to the podium to have my boarding pass scanned, a little beep sounded and I was asked to step to the side. One by one, I watched people breeze by and walk down the jetway to board the plane. I had a sinking feeling in my stomach, and I knew I wouldn't be joining them.

But by god, I was not giving up yet.

I pulled out the waterworks. It was easy, really, considering the fragile emotional state I'd been in during the weeks leading up to said holiday. I even made up a long dramatic story about my grandmother going in for life-or-death surgery that very morning when in fact both of my grandmothers have been dead for years. Whoopsie. None of this, of course, worked, and the one remaining seat on the flight ended up going to another girl who was waiting (who I, to this day, believe had connections with someone or had AT LEAST slept with somebody important), and she had THE NERVE to say to me as she walked by me and onto the plane, "I can sympathize with your situation, really, but there's nothing they can do."

NOTHING THEY CAN DO!? Have you lost your marbles, lady, or did you give those AND your scruples to the Continental desk agent so he'd give you that last seat on the plane BECAUSE I THINK YOU DID. There is absolutely something they can do about it. For starters, they can not sell seats that don't exist! A few minutes later another girl who was also in travel limbo started to cry -- probably with actual reason, since she was 17 and traveling alone and not 24, perfectly capable and just right pissed off -- and I turned to her and said, "Doesn't work, honey. Already tried it."

Continental did end up giving me a $500 voucher for "my troubles," which I used to extend my trip home over Christmas and was happy for the extra time -- although I did spend eight hours sitting in the most amenity-free airport terminal I have ever seen. It was so devoid of restaurants or shops I was surprised they even thought to put in a toilet. And now, because I am a glutton for punishment, I'm going back for more. Since I had $40 left on that Continental voucher, it did only make sense to fly them again for this trip home. (They also happen to have the cheapest fares from Newark to Memphis and the most direct flights, so that persuaded me, too.)

I'm hoping that time will be on my side, since it's the middle of May and nothing of any consequence is going on any time soon down in good old Memphis, Tennessee, that the fine residents of New Jersey would be snapping up plane tickets to get to. My next dispatch will come to you from the birthplace of the blues and the home of the world's best barbeque -- brace yourselves, I could be even more Southern than usual.

cheers y'all,
elizabeth