Boyfriend No. 2

Meet Boyfriend No. 2. His name is James, and I don't think I'm exaggerating when I say I was cuh-RAZY about James from the first time we engaged in conversation, back in high school when we were both at a college prep program at Murray State. (The reason I ultimately attended, of course. The program, that is. Not James. I wasn't in quite that deep.) We hung out a lot in our freshman year, as my crush grew wildly and exponentially like some kind of creeping vine with a life of its own. But things happened. He was aloof and hard to read. And also, a boy. And I, ever the 19-year-old girl, thought I was giving all these "signals" and "signs" and that he should know that I liked him by now and DAMMIT WHY HASN'T HE ASKED FOR MY HAND IN MARRIAGE YET.

Anywho. After I broke up with Boyfriend No. 1 in April of 2005, I was at a Hughes Street party (Hughes St. being a street just off campus where there is a house where there are residents who for as long as I can remember have been members of the music fraternity, Phi Mu Alpha, and thrown killer parties) celebrating both the annual Hughes Street occasion "Halloween II" and the 21st birthday of my best friend Jenny. Jenny, Holly and I had come to the party dressed as Winos, because what other costume allows you to dress in your normal clothes (read: look cute) and drink from three-liter bottles of wine in paper bags?

At this party James and I had a drunken heart-to-heart of sorts, kissed and the rest is -- well, I'll let him tell you. We dated from around that time up until late October of that year, and then we dated off and on all that next spring and dabbled a little over the next summer. The first summer we were together I spent in London doing my study abroad, which he alludes to here; it was a tough time to be apart and is probably very responsible for a lot of the issues we faced early in our relationship. But why am I still talking? Here's what James had to say.

1. Do you remember your first impression of me?
I'd say so. I believe it was one of the first nights of Commonwealth Honors Academy, so for the people playing the home version that would be the summer of 2002. Anyways, it was a closed-campus sort of community system and on this particular night the prearranged entertainment was a viewing of the movie "Life is Beautiful." Up to that moment I honestly hadn't paid much attention but I ended up in some sort of cloud of people walking to the Curris Center that included you and another girl who you had already made pretty fast friends with (see how I'm avoiding giving an incorrect name?). I was quite surprised how openly you spoke about things, even if it were slightly vulgar. I really can't recall too many people with that same quality, where they can bounce from topic to topic almost like a savvy AD&D. Can I say bouncy for short?

2. Describe our relationship in three words.
Short. Educational. Limited.
Despite how long it may have seemed or the impact that either of us may have had on the other, the truth is that the time we had to spend with one another was a cursed affair to deal with. By our unfortunate circumstances, it all began at the end of the semester, and the summer was all but nixed out due to your time out of the area, then it cut short in what, late October of that same year? I'd say educational because honestly at the time that we dated I didn't have a realistic vision of what I wanted to achieve in a relationship; after some bad experiences at the end of high school I really had convinced myself that college wasn't for a serious, honest relationship so in our relationship (or rather, immediately after) I learned that someone has to put their best foot forward and put all their weight on that foot so to speak. Finally, limited because of the availability during the relationship; of course it wasn't able to be helped, but I always felt like I was working on a relationship in borrowed time, such as 2-3 AM breaks by the music building or one day a weekend being the limit of time given. In retrospect I'm sure that I rejoiced in such a situation as it allowed me to remain rather flighty, and if I were a man in a position where I were taking it seriously I'm sure it would have worn on me heavily.

3. Did we have "a song"? What was it?
Certainly, and I think there might be a modicum of agreement. I remember once on my ratty old couch in my dormitory we were watching TV and the video for Bright Eyes' "First Day of my Life" came on and it was a powerful song for the moment that I think both people honed in on. I really hate the idea of "songs" belonging to someone but for some reason there's a visceral connection between that song and the relationship/person.

4. Why do you think our relationship ended?
Lack of time committed on both ends and my own lack of attempts to make that time more worthwhile or to extend it. I really hadn't placed much value on the relationship at the time and as I mentioned before in a previous question, I really was doing the hokey-pokey on devotion with one foot in. In addition, I was pretty stubborn regarding expressing myself and I'm sure that was in no small part contributory.

5. What was the best thing about our relationship?
Conversation, definitely. It's not very common that you find someone who you can bounce strange, pop-culture inspired statements off of and jump from musician to film director to shoes in just a few minutes' time. I loved the talking and moreso I liked that in the relationship when in conversation, when it got really interesting (as it often did) I would be a lucid, wholly honest individual with a reduced filter between his brain and his lips, and in those moments I felt the better for it.

6. What was the most annoying thing I did within the context of our relationship?
I suppose if you want you can chalk this up to a certain level of paranoia, but I never felt invited in, so to speak. I would typically feel like an oddity, like some sort of child who was occasionally checked in on to make sure he hadn't stumbled into trouble. Due to Racer Band and the MSU Musical Department, we had many mutual friends. However, as your sorority wasn't involved in that department aside from a few who were music majors, you had an extended area to explore. I can't recall ever being distinctly invited to meet these additional friends and instead, because we already knew most of the same people on my end, I always felt like I was subjected to tales about people who were somehow better than me, as if they were so precious that their existence couldn't be shared with me beyond a few sentences or references to inside jokes. Again, it's probably my insecurity poking out, but that's the first thing that I can think of. To find a second thing that annoyed me is a stretch.

7. Did I hurt you?
Hurt is a pretty malleable word. In the short term, was I hurt? Probably not; probably because of my lack of long-term memory retention won't let me be committal, and not because I didn't feel any right to be hurt; after all, if I recall it was my own stubbornness and inability to express myself, my wants, and needs which led to the downfall. In the long term? I suppose I was. Although I suppose it shouldn't be considered a relationship at all in the structure of this interview, I certainly felt hurt while relieved at the time when I recieved the e-mail/message that it just wasn't going to work in giving us another bit of the 'ol College try. In a way it was more frustration that I had finally put myself "out there," which I recall was one of the core reasons of the original break up, and I had achieved nothing after a summer of pining and anticipating while you were elsewhere.

8. Do you think I waited the appropriate amount of time to burp and/or fart in front of you?
'Ya know, I can't for the life of me recall when either of these things happened. I'm sure they did, and if I had to randomly venture a guess as to when it happened, I'd almost bet that you did it within the first two weeks of knowing me while at CHA when we were in high school, given that at the time we were good conversational friends and I, alas, was seeing someone.

9. Did you ever entertain the idea of marrying me?
Well I guess without going too far into details of the time and place and all the hard facts, and acknowledging that there was a time after the initial relationship when we were seeing each other occasionally but certainly not in a relationship, the answer would be no and yes. As it could probably be determined from previous questions, during the relationship itself I was immature and really didn't put a lot of thought into the future. At the time this was just someone who I loved spending time with and so it seemed like a gross error to not be dating her. After I sobered up from my freshman thinking? Most certainly. Somewhere around my junior year of college (a bit late, I suppose), I realized that it wasn't always appropriate to let my base instincts be my primary impetus for relationships and instead I should endeavor to not date anyone that I could not see myself marrying, even far into the future. At that time I definitely had those thoughts, although with your goals and my intended education I didn't know when that would be possible. I just knew that before it all went awry, I was willing to change my plans and figure it all out. I've long sustained since then that my idea for marriage is someone who I don't mind seeing every single morning and night (and many in-betweens), can push my buttons the right way to avoid seeing me pop a vein, and of course has a sufficiently strong sexual attraction to me and vice versa. Did I think, once I had mentally sobered myself, that these things all applied? Most certainly.

10. What did you learn from our relationship? How did the things you took with you influence your dating philosophy, if at all?
I did say the relationship was educational for a reason. I learned that if you're going to enter into a relationship, if one person is serious, you better be willing to go all-in yourself. On the other hand, I also think that the original relationship left me with a better concept of how hard dating in a professional world may be with dates tucked into pockets of time between meetings and deadlines. And finally, it helped me form a more coherent image for the future of who my ideal partner would be. As far as my dating philosophy, unfortunately it probably affected it negatively as I had become spoiled by things like never-catch-your-breath-multiple-topic-talking and I often need someone with a trait like this in order to really become immersed and active in a conversation.