the dangers of the treadmill

I have this problem with Granny Smith apples. And I don't know if it's just me, if I'm just so excited at the tart-and-juicy goodness of the apple that I eat it way too fast, or if this happens to everybody but DAMN. Those suckers make me burp. And I'm talking multiple burps. Burp(S) plural. Big burps, little burps, long breathy ones that subsequently double the available space in my stomach in one fell swoop.

This situation is compacted, of course, when I decide to go for a four-mile jog almost immediately after scarfing said apple. And that, ladies and gentleman, brings us to today's episode of Looking Ridiculous in Public, starring Me as Myself.

So I'm on the treadmill, doing the first long stint of my run -- I break it up into chunks with short bits of walking in between -- and I'm watching the clock tick over to 22 minutes and I'm pushing the speed button to take it down from run to walk and as soon as I slow down, before I even know what's happened, I belch. It was so sudden that I didn't even realize I'd done it until I heard the noise and spent a good two or three seconds trying to figure out from whence that seismic rumble had just emerged. Turns out? From me. WHOOPS.

And I need to emphasize my use of the word 'belch' in this scenario. Because it was a loud one. And probably kind of gross. But I'd been running and running and running and my stomach had been churning and I guess as soon as my body stopped moving it had to exercise its demons. And exercise, it did.

Quickly enough I realize that this belch has just bested my massive sweat situation as reason Numero Uno that I will NEVER get hit on at the gym, and I am completely and totally mortified. But naturally, it only gets worse, because in my mortification I got a little case of the church giggles, let out a chuckle and then accidentally stepped onto the part of the treadmill where the belt meets the side of the machine. This caused my entire body to flail like I'd just been tasered and created a sound that lands somewhere between yanking the needle over a vinyl record and sucking up a sock in a vacuum cleaner.

So if they didn't hear the belch, they DEFINITELY saw the brief safety demonstration on the dangers of the treadmill. I also offer one on the dangers of public humiliation, but that's less of a one-time demonstration and more like a daily study.


cheers,
elizabeth