and sometimes axe murderers

I'm a little nervous about tonight.

I shouldn't be nervous, because technically this marks my third night in my new place and any and all nervousness should be completely expunged by now. Technically.

But in reality, this will be my first night sleeping in my new place a.) by myself and b.) completely sober and thus susceptible to noises, creaks, house-settlings and other various and sundry opportunities for me to be afraid of the dark. And the chances of me being able to figure out the secret ways of my digital converter box in time to watch TV til I nod off are slim to none, and Slim just called me from the bus station.

So there I'll be, alone, in my ridiculously enormous apartment, all almost 1,200 square feet of it filled by just little old me. And I have complete and total faith in my ability to scare the living bejesus out of myself with little to no outside assistance. So it should be interesting.

Perhaps tonight, as I did on Friday, I will lie in bed listening to the sound of the train passing by and imagine that when the axe murderer comes to get me, he will hack me into bitty bits while a huge freight train is roaring by, masking the sound of my screams. And then perhaps he'll wait until a plane flies overhead creating yet another noise diversion to pull up my floor boards and bury me in pieces underneath the apartment.

And when my imagination really gets the best of me and I have to do a round through the apartment to make sure me and the dust bunnies really are the only ones in the place, I will take solace in this: Fears of the axe murderer at least raise your heart rate and cause you to pace madly, which SURELY burns calories; on the other hand, fears of dying alone and single to have your face eaten by alpacas really just cause you to consume mass quantities of sugar-laden foods and may potentially stop your metabolism entirely. I mean, it hasn't be proven yet, but it's only a matter of time.

And with that, I have just realized that the tagline of this blog really shouldn't be "hauling my southern ass worldwide." It should be "trying not to die alone" or "consistently working to fend off spinster-face-eating alpacas. And sometimes axe murderers."


cheers,
elizabeth