how to get scolded before breakfast

My apartment has this really awesome way of incubating awful smells, particularly after parties and really late nights when the last thing I want to smell when I wake up is the aftermath of brownies, chili dip and PBR soaked into every floorboard and carpet fiber and kitchen tile and pore of the entire house.

When faced with such a scenario, you really only have one choice. Clean it up. Get the eff out and go get breakfast.

So Megan and Mr. Risky Business and I did just that, busting a move for the Pancake Shop, yet another in an endless string of apparent local institutions that I've never been to. Not surprisingly, less than five minutes in the door I had already gotten us in trouble. They seated us at this big ass round table, and with just the three of us there it felt like we were 20 miles from each other. So, being the resourceful young gal that I am, I decided to put down the leaves on the table. It took all of two minutes (and a few cursory swipes to get rid of the mountain of crumbs that cascaded out of the cracks, EW) but let me tell you. That was all it took to get me near enough placed on the Pancake House Shit List. This waitress comes over and says, I swear to Allah, exactly the following:

"You know what we DON'T do? We DON'T put down the leaves on our tables."

Snap, snap, snap, snap.

(If you're wondering if that was her fingers as she sassily snapped at me in a Z formation and then challenged me to a cheer-off, it was not. Instead, those snaps were the sound of her whipping all the leaves back into place -- while maintaining her stink eye, of course.)

"Okay? We have too quick of a turnaround time in here to be doing that."

This is what I love about the South. First, that their turnaround time is just too fast to allow for the five seconds it took her to snap back up all four leaves on that table. That just would NOT do. And second, this phrase we love so very much -- that "We" don't do this or that.

No ma'am, you might not put the leaves down on the table. But WE did.

But probably my favorite usage of the We talk, really, is when it's aimed at children or animals or other similarly non-competent or non-sentient beings. For example, one might say to one's dog: "Rover, no! We don't bite."

And if Rover was capable of advanced thought, we can rest assured his inner monologue would look something like this: "We? You might not bite, lady. But I'll plant my teeth in anything that moves. BELIEVE."

So just a heads up -- we do not put the leaves down at the Pancake Shop. And in case you were curious, the pancakes were like actual fluffy white cake and the grits were the bomb and the hash browns were worthy of every ounce of ketchup that I smothered them with.

And then RB and I went to his house and took a nap. Because that's what you do when your belly is full of breakfast grease.

And when my house requires HazMat gear for entry.

cheers,
elizabeth