things we should've learned from watching TV

Riddle me this. What IS post-break-up etiquette? Or is that idea entirely oxymoronic?

I feel like there is a batch of accepted social knowledge that we basically learn from television. Dos and Don'ts of dating and friendship and relationships in general that form this set of universally understood principles that we all sort of learn through osmosis with pop culture. The stuff you just kind of know, that you probably picked up from Saved by the Bell or Party of Five.

A decent amount of this stuff gives us guidance in the ways of The Break-Up. And while the term "post-break-up etiquette" might be a bit strong, television has taught us that there are certain sacred areas in the post-apocalyptic world of the newly single male and female. Chief among these would be The Friends.

Depending on the nature of the post-break-up agreement -- I think there are three basic types: 1.) Mutual hatred; 2.) Mutual ambivalence; and 3.) The "Let's Be Friends" route, which is perhaps best suited for people who would like to defy the laws of reality, a category which clearly includes me -- there are a host of possible issues involving The Friends. If you were together for an extended period of time, the primary issue is who even gets to keep The Friends in the first place. Do you divvy them up, and if so, how does that work? Do you just keep the ones that were your friends first and cut off ties with the ones who belonged to the ex? Do you force them to choose sides? Or do you perhaps attempt to defy reality yet again by remaining friends with all of them?

Luckily, I've never been in a relationship so long and so invested as to require such a custody battle. But beyond who can claim ownership, there is one other very important rule about The Friends. You can't date them.

Here again, I point to some potent cocktail of teenage romantic high school sitcoms and dramas as the source of my knowledge and strict beliefs on this topic. And I don't think I'm alone here. Am I?

The not-dating-the-friends rule has always seemed to me to be the most black-and-white, cut-and-dry of the post-break-up commandments. No matter how things ended, you just don't do it. And I'll absolutely concede that where the responsibility falls in terms of policing this matter has everything to do with the conditions of the break-up. For example, if the break-up agreement is one of mutual hatred, I don't think you can really enforce these types of rules on an ex. He or she can and probably will do whatever blows their dress up when it comes to payback, revenge and other assorted cold cuts. In that case, the responsibility falls on The Friends. And clearly The Friends have been watching teenage sitcoms, too, so they are completely aware of the terms of friendship which dictate that they are to 1.) Always be on your side; 2.) Hate any and all exes immediately upon dissolution of the relationship; and 3.) Never, never, NEVER date any of said exes.

But if you're me? (Read: Crazy.) If you're trying to be "friends"? Then the responsibility (while not entirely off The Friends, of course) falls much more squarely on The Ex. Because if they'd like to meander over from the Significant Other category -- passing through The Ex category -- and land amongst The Friends? Then those rules apply to them, too.

Clearly this diatribe, much like an episode of Sesame Street: The College Years, was brought to you by a recent personal life experience. I won't get into the specifics, but I think you can probably figure this one out, gum shoe. What it's left me wondering, though, is whether I'm completely off-base about the concept of post-break-up etiquette, or even the basic social commandments that, when violated, would elicit a cringe out of just about anyone. They did what? That kind of thing. Do those commandments exist? Or am I just imagining that they do, in a Utopian 20-something society?

I want to know what you think -- are there rules? Do they matter? Or does The Break-Up mean that anything goes?


cheers,
elizabeth